


Dead Grass Fields

by Pollarize



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Homophobia, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 22:13:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8178014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pollarize/pseuds/Pollarize
Summary: ‘You have the chance to serve the Army too! Make history in 1975.’





	

**Author's Note:**

> I guess you could say I'm nervous about my deployment

The war in vietnam had just started, men of all ages were being drafted, pulling them in because there was a lack of soldiers. 

 

_ ‘You have the chance to serve the Army too! Make history in 1975.’ _

 

All the posters that lined the shops had smiling men in uniforms and guns, american flags waving behind them. Patriotism lined every town, working to find people who would willingly sign themselves up. So many happy faces, the smiling lies of fake soldiers. But it worked. Young boys were inspired and signed their life away, agreeing to every term and condition to get them out of their current situation or to get recognized for something great, to be something great. There were many different reasons but the posters worked. It worked for people like Josh.

 

Josh always had something to prove, even from when he was real little. He picked fights with the older kids, going at them with everything he had, losing some and winning some. He never backed down, never stopped talking back, never stopped getting in trouble. Josh wouldn’t give up that he was better than the other boys, that he was stronger than the other boys. The same mindset followed him into early adulthood, too. He saw the posters and the line of men signing up and he was better than them, he could shoot better. It didn’t matter that he had never even touched a gun in his life, he just knew. So there really wasn’t any doubt in his mind that signing up wasn’t for him. No surprise to anyone in line who knew him. He smiled as he signed by the ‘x’, walking away with his shoulders pulled back. Everyone expected that of him.

 

He’d had a chip on his shoulder since the time he was born and it had just made sense. Josh always had something to prove. 

 

Only one person was surprised.

 

“Babe,” Josh whispered when he stepped into his apartment, careful to keep his voice low enough that the walls couldn’t hear. He stalked through the small apartment to the bedroom where he found Tyler sitting with his back to the wall and a sketchbook in his lap. Tyler looked up, wary of the playful smile on Josh’s face. Last time Josh had shown up like that they’d almost gotten caught by the neighbors. 

 

“What did you do?” Tyler whispered, setting his sketchbook to his side and crawling off the bed. Josh walked up to him, hands going to Tyler’s hips and pulling him in close. Their foreheads bumped together and both were smiling, even despite Tyler’s worries.

 

“I enlisted,” Josh said simply, his smile growing. Tyler’s smile turned into a small frown and his eyebrows pulled together into a look of confusion.

 

“Enlisted?” He asked, feeling like he knew exactly what Josh did but he didn’t really want to believe it. Josh just nodded, a light in his eyes that Tyler hadn’t seen in a long time.

 

“I joined the Army, I’m gonna help with the war,” Josh said, pride in his voice that was unmistakable. Tyler’s heart almost broke.

 

The hands on his hips suddenly felt like they were on fire and he backed away, twisting to get Josh’s hands away. The confusion had melted off his face but it was replaced with the hurt he felt inside.

 

“Babe?” Josh asked again, wanting to take a step forward but his feet were planted. 

 

“Why?” Tyler questioned and his voice already sounded so defeated. He didn’t mean to react that way.

 

“I don’t know,” Josh admitted after a minute, he didn’t exactly have a reason, “I guess to help, is there something wrong with that?” Josh started to get defensive, crossing his arms over his chest. Tyler felt the panic and felt the start of an oncoming fight and he couldn’t look at Josh anymore. He shifted his eyes to stare at the lamp on their desk. The light started to stream out into long rays, the objects around it blurring as his eyes filled with tears. 

 

“There’s nothing wrong with it, I’m just worried.”

 

“Tyler, don’t do this. You know I can take care of myself, I haven’t lost a fight in years,” Josh said, shrugging it off like war and fist fights were similar.

 

Tyler wasn’t going to say anything. He wasn’t. He couldn’t do that to Josh.

 

He wouldn’t, he shouldn’t, he  _ wouldn’t. _

 

“This isn’t just a fucking fight!” Tyler said, finally bursting at the seams. 

 

He turned and looked at Josh’s surprised face.

 

“This is war, Josh. You’re gonna be handed a fucking gun and they’re gonna throw you into another country and leave you there. The other people have guns, too, Josh, it isn’t just you. They have an army, too. Do you know how many people died in previous wars? It isn’t just a game.”

 

The tears rolling down Tyler’s face were angry ones. Of course, there was still hurt mixed in with them.

 

Josh was at a loss for words, unsure of what to say, how to back up his motives.

 

Unsure of how to get Tyler to trust him. His mouth was moving before he had a chance to think.

 

“Have faith in me,” Josh said, stepping up to Tyler finally. He reached up and held Tyler’s face between his hands, leaning forward and touching their foreheads together again.

 

“Please, Tyler, have faith in me.”

 

Everything in Tyler melted away and he couldn’t be mad or upset or anything. He felt numb most of all but he nodded. As much as he wished Josh wouldn’t have done that, he also couldn’t stop him. Tyler needed to trust that this was what Josh really wanted, what he needed. 

 

“Of course.”

 

His voice still cracked around the words.

 

Mail came in one day. Tyler hated that it was this day of all days because it started out so perfect.

 

They’d left their window open that night. It had been too hot and they were sweaty and the night air was just cool enough to even out their room. When Tyler woke up that morning he could hear birds. There was a large patch of the bed and floor that were flooded with sunlight from the wide open window and the birds had to have been just outside. They were loud but they were beautiful. Tyler wished he could sing like the birds just for this moment.

 

He looked over and saw Josh. His hair was more of a mess than usual, sticking out all over the place and his mouth was open. He was asleep though and looked completely peaceful. Tyler took a moment to admire Josh before he reached out and gently shook him awake.

 

“Morning,” Josh grumbled, squinting up at Tyler to avoid the painful brightness of the sun.

 

“Good morning,” Tyler smiled, leaning down and pressing a kiss to Josh’s temple. Josh smiled in return. It was lazy and Tyler couldn’t fight the way his stomach flipped.

 

“I’ll go make some coffee,” Tyler said finally, scrambling off the bed, looking back at sleepy Josh before he left the room.

 

If Tyler was humming while he made coffee and cooked breakfast then it wasn’t his fault, it was just a good morning. 

 

He saw that their landlord had slid mail under the door and Tyler walked over to pick it up before taking the food and coffee back to Josh.

 

If Tyler dropped the cup and plate and stood there as glass shattered then it wasn’t his fault, it was just an awful morning.

 

Tyler stared down at the letter in his hand. He stared at Josh’s name, not only that but his full name.  _ To Mr. Joshua William Dun.  _ He stared at the return address, the government address that looked oh-so official. 

 

Tyler was so transfixed on the letter that he never noticed Josh calling his name. He didn’t even notice when Josh was grabbing at his waist, his arm, his hand, pulling the letter away. Tyler was sick and empty and broken and scared all at once and he was so confused about how he should even respond.

 

“I’m leaving in two weeks,” Josh said, his voice quiet.

 

“Leaving,” Tyler echoed, staring down at the coffee spill on the linoleum floor.

 

Josh helped Tyler back to the bedroom and onto the bed. He curled up next to Tyler, trying to cheer him up, get a response out of him, something.

 

Tyler was staring at where the sunlight touched their bed, how dim it looked compared to not even an hour ago. The birds were still singing outside.

 

Singing? It sounded like they were laughing at him, mocking him.

 

_ ‘Two weeks, two weeks, baby’s leaving in two weeks,’ _

 

“Close the window,” Tyler finally said, shifting his eyes away from the sun to stare at the darkened corner of the room.

 

“I thought you liked the birds singing in the morning?” Josh asked, confusion lacing his words. Tyler shrugged.

 

“Not today.”

 

They laid in bed the rest of the day and Josh worked to do anything he could to cheer Tyler up. It didn’t work. 

 

Tyler refused to eat, only getting some rest when his body gave up and he passed out.

 

The rest of the week went by mostly the same except for the fact that Tyler did have to get out of bed at some point. He rotated between curled up in bed and curled up on the couch. Josh ended up giving up as well. He had no idea what to do with his boyfriend and he couldn’t keep worrying over him every second of the day. He was about to leave, he had to get ready. 

 

Tyler got up from the couch and walked into the bedroom to see Josh sitting on the floor with his legs crossed. He either didn’t acknowledge Tyler or didn’t notice him. Tyler leaned against the door frame and cleared his throat before speaking.

 

“Don’t you need to pack?” He asked, Josh was startled by Tyler actually speaking to him and dropped what was in his hand. He looked over and swallowed once before shaking his head.

 

“No, uh, there’s no point in bringing anything over with me. They’ll give me all the clothes I’ll have to wear and I won't have any space for personal belongings.” Tyler nodded his head.

 

“You’ve only got two more days, right? Why don’t we go out for dinner,” Tyler offered, folding his arms over his chest as he looked to the ground. He could feel the tears forming in his eyes and he was trying desperately to hold himself together. Josh nodded his head, looking at the ground before he stood up. 

 

“Lemme just get my coat.” 

 

Tyler stood in the bedroom doorway, piecing himself together as best he could before he went to follow Josh. He peaked over his shoulder, trying to find where Josh had ended up and he figured it was safe to assume Josh wouldn’t come back to the bedroom. Tyler walked over to where Josh had been sitting and picked up what he had dropped. It was a photograph, Tyler was able to tell by the feel of the paper. He turned it over and stared at the photo. A sob threatened to spill from his lips as he looked at it.

 

It was a photograph of him and Josh from a year before. They had gone to the beach and it was sunny out but still windy, cold enough that they had been alone. Tyler had brought along his polaroid camera and had taken one of them kissing. They were both smiling and Josh had his hands on Tyler’s cheeks. 

 

If Tyler thought hard enough, he could still feel those hands on his cheeks. 

 

He set the photo down and walked towards the main entrance, wiping his nose as he went. Josh looked up from where he was standing and frowned.

 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” He asked as he stepped forward and pulled Tyler into a hug. Tyler pushed at Josh’s chest, separating the two of them. He didn’t want to make this harder and explain that he had found the photo. 

 

“Just gonna miss you is all,” he said quietly, taking in a shaky breath, “Let’s go, I’m hungry.”

 

Josh nodded his head and the two left their apartment, keeping a fair distance between each other.

 

The diner they went to was small and owned by a nice family. They always greeted Josh and Tyler with warm smiles, letting them sit in the same booth they always did. They’d gone enough that it had kinda been dubbed  _ their  _ seat. It was in a back corner, somewhat dimly lit, enough so that nobody wanted to willingly sit there which meant Josh and Tyler could usually talk freely. They were always careful about what they said but if for some reason Josh accidentally slipped and confessed his profound love for Tyler, there wasn’t the immense risk of someone overhearing. 

 

They’d never come out, either of them. Mostly due to the fact that they were terrified of not coming home one night. Some close family friends had some suspicions, especially when Josh moved Tyler into his apartment. Their lie about Tyler losing his own place due to financial reasons was a little shaky and some saw right through it. Nobody pestered them about it. Nobody except for the diner family’s daughter.

 

Jenna was a sweet girl but she was way too curious and inquisitive. She was the first one to see through their lies.

 

“What can I get you guys tonight?” She asked politely, bringing her pencil up to her notebook. She had a warm smile on her face that fell when she looked at Josh and Tyler’s own expressions.

 

“Why’re you guys so down?” She asked, letting her arms fall to her side, one of them resting on a hip. Tyler didn’t answer, looking down at the table and tracing the patterns on it with his eyes. 

 

“I’m, uh, I leave in two days. For the war,” Josh said, shrugging once. 

 

“That’s so brave of you, Josh.”

 

Nobody answered her. She took a seat next to Josh and nudged him in the ribs with her elbow. He looked over at her, a curious expression on his face.

 

“I’ll look after your boyfriend while you’re gone,” she whispered, smiling at the two of them. Both of their jaws dropped, staring at her with a worried glance. She shook her head gently, raising a hand to keep them from talking.

 

“I’ve known for awhile but it’s okay, I’m not gonna say anything. Nobody else knows either. I can also get them off your back if you need and take Tyler on a couple dates.”

 

Neither of them knew what to say.

 

“Thank you,” Tyler finally whispered, looking up to meet Jenna’s eyes. He was saying thank you for her keeping his biggest secret and saying thank you for her helping them out. God knows that both of their families were questioning a lot of things. Jenna left shortly after that, taking their order and bringing them out their food.

  
The overall atmosphere of the two was really just melancholy. Neither talked very much because the only thing on either one of their minds was that Josh was leaving. 

 

“I’m gonna miss you,” Tyler finally mumbled, keeping his eyes down to the table. Josh didn’t respond. There wasn’t anything he could say until they were in the privacy of their own home. He wanted to just wrap Tyler into his arms and hold him until they both felt calmer but he couldn’t and that’s the biggest reason he started to cry. 

 

They left quickly after that, apologizing to Jenna that they were leaving so early (and for the fact that neither one of them had touched their food).

 

Tyler and Josh went back to their home and spent the whole night cuddling, holding each other close. Josh had things to do the next day and this could have very well been their last time together. Tyler wanted to make it count.

 

On Josh’s last night with Tyler, they held each other close. They fucked slowly, Tyler crying through the whole thing. He had tried to hold himself together but the moment Josh placed soft kisses on his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his lips, Tyler lost it. He sobbed as Josh fucked him slowly, sobbed as they both came, and sobbed as they laid together. 

 

The day for deployment came and Tyler didn’t know what to do. They’d talked about Tyler coming with Josh to the airport and seeing him off but they both decided that it was best if Tyler didn’t. The Army was the last place that Josh would want finding out that he was gay.

 

Tyler clung to Josh for as long as he could, whispering ‘I love you’ over and over into Josh’s ear. He wanted it to be burned into Josh’s brain. He wanted it to be heard so many times that Josh could still hear the words in his mind months from now when he was overseas. 

 

There was a knock on the door and it could only have been Josh’s mother, ready to take him to the airport. Josh had to forcibly untangle himself from Tyler’s arms.

  
“I’m so sorry, baby, I have to go,” Josh whispered, feeling tears sting his eyes as Tyler tried desperately to keep ahold of him. Tyler’s face was red as he held in another sob, tears streaming down his face. Josh felt sick looking at his boyfriend in such a state but he couldn’t do a damn thing about it because there was another knock on the door.

 

“Josh, sweetie, it’s time to go,” his mother called and the fight in Tyler died. Josh gave Tyler a long stare before he turned and walked to the door. He got as far as his hand on the doorknob before Tyler choked out a small sob.

 

“Wait,” he said, rushing forward. Josh sighed, resting his head against the doorframe. Tyler was just making this harder for him to leave and it was starting to make him wish he hadn’t ever signed.

 

“Tyler, you can’t keep doing this,” Josh said, annoyance and sadness battling in his voice. Tyler held in his sobs for a minute as he reached into his pocket and pulled out the photo he had found Josh staring at.

 

“Sorry, sorry, just take this with you?” He asked, holding it out to Josh. He turned around, eyes landing on the paper outstretched to him. Josh looked down at it, his eyes closing as he recognized it. His face scrunched up in pain, eyes squeezing shut as his own tears fell down his cheeks. His body shook slightly with the effort to keep in a sob and he turned away from Tyler. He brought the back of his hand up to cover his mouth. Tyler couldn’t see but he knew that Josh was biting at the back of his hand, knowing that physical pain was easier to deal with than the emotional. Josh finally turned around and he looked wrecked. Tyler felt guilty for pulling this on him last minute.

 

Josh reached a shaky hand out anyway and took it, folding it twice and slipping it into his pocket. He took a couple deep breaths before he looked like he was mostly calm and he put on a sad sort of smile. He mouthed the words ‘I love you’ before he turned and opened the door, greeting his mother and stepping out of the apartment.

 

There was an eerie sort of silence that threatened to crush Tyler.

 

~~~

 

The weather in Vietnam was hot and sticky compared to home. Josh stepped outside and he felt the sweat form on his skin, his clothes plastering to him. He imagined carrying a backpack and supplies and whatever else they handed him for hours on end and the thought made him near miserable. He didn’t think he’d last a week in the heat like this. He had no choice though.

 

They handed him a gun and sent him off to a small camp where he practiced shooting every once in awhile and spent the rest of his time listening in as higher ups talked about moving out. Josh was honestly terrified.

 

It didn’t help when they marched. Some of the cadences that they chose to do weren’t very promising for his future. The first time he heard it, Josh cried.

 

_ “One day you’ll be alone, _

_ All alone in a combat zone, _

_ Bullets flying all around, _

_ Keep your head low to the ground, _

 

_ Don’t you worry, don’t be afraid, _

_ Sergeant Barnes gonna bring you home,” _

 

But when Josh repeated the words loud and proud, he didn’t feel like he would go home in the same state he was in now. He cried because he knew that he wouldn’t return to Tyler in one piece. What he saw in his head was a cardboard box on a plane, headed back to the states to inform a worried family. 

 

Josh couldn’t let them see him be weak so he kept marching. His face was stony and emotionless, his voice as even as any of them could make it. A quick glance around told Josh that everyone had the same expression. Faux toughness and tears hidden behind macho emotions. 

 

Josh regretted coming but he also knew that what he did was right, he was serving his country, wasn’t he?

 

They walked through fields and practiced, far away from enemy activity. It could hardly be considered training. They missed most of their shots and their legs could hardly keep them moving but they were ordered to and so tired boys with broken legs continued walking. 

 

They’d set up camp out in a field, cots lining the inside of the tent. They slept one next to the other, their helmets and guns underneath their cot on the matted down grass. Josh had found a few friends, people that came from all over the US that were nice to him, that helped him when he came back limping and crying. 

 

His favorite might have been Pete. 

 

He was far too much like Josh and they often got into heated arguments that only ended when someone pulled them away. It typically started off with a joke and then one upping each other. Something along the lines of  _ ‘I’m right, no I’m right, no, no, fuck you.’ _

 

But in the end there was an understanding between the two and they sat out in the shade as they watched a new recruit trip in the hole that they’d dug in the dirt. Josh had pushed grass over top of it, both of them nudging each other as yet another person faceplanted. 

 

There were other people that Josh talked to, boys that stayed with him the entire time and boys that came and left within weeks. 

 

They were messing around because they knew they wouldn’t see combat at this camp, they were messing around until they got moved. 

 

“You’re ready,”

 

“It’s time,”

 

“We need you to fight,”

 

Josh had heard it all but that didn’t stop him from feeling the dread settle in his stomach. 

 

Everyone in the tent was asleep. It was their last night before they marched towards enemy lines, their last night of safety. Josh checked around the tent, listening to snores and sleepy whimpers. He only sat up on his cot when he was sure nobody would notice. He checked Pete’s cot next to him, making sure his friend hadn’t been disturbed. 

 

Josh sighed when he saw the coast was clear and dug into his pocket, pulling out the piece of paper that was starting to tear at the edges. Parts of the photo could no longer be seen. He’d opened it and folded it too many times, his thumb rubbing over Tyler’s face. There was tear marks on the lower half of the photo, color fading. Josh wiped at a tear now, letting out a shaky sigh as he stared at the photo. 

 

Pete rolled over and Josh wasn’t fast enough to hide the photo.

 

“What’s that?” He asked, reaching out to grab at it. Josh yanked his hand away, staring wide-eyed at Pete. He couldn’t say anything, too shocked that he’d been so careless, that he could have gotten caught. Pete could have shot him and blamed it on an enemy force. Josh would be dead and nobody would bat an eye. 

 

“Girlfriend?” Pete asked as he sat up. Josh didn’t answer, folding it and shoving it into his back pocket.

 

“Go to sleep,” Josh said, his voice lacking the usual bravado that he’d speak to Pete with. It seemed that Pete understood and he dropped the subject.

 

Most of the men didn’t like speaking about their lovers back home.

 

Camps moved a few times and now they could hear gunshots in the distance. It was intimidating and the men sat on their cots, staring at nothing as they thought of what they could say to their lover back home. Josh didn’t want to say anything. He pictured holding Tyler in his arms again, pictured pressing kisses into his skin, clutching him close and rocking them back and forth.

 

They’d done that one time, Josh rocking them slowly as they curled up in bed. It squeaked under them and Tyler was nervous.

 

“Josh, stop it. Neighbors will think something's up,” he said.

 

“Josh, stop it. I’m not a baby,” he said.

 

Pete dragged him out of his daydream.

 

“Heard we were moving tomorrow,” he said quietly. They were sitting in the shade outside, looking over to the ridgeline where trees stood tall, concealing the fight on the other side. Josh tore his eyes away from the trees and looked down at the dried out grass beneath him.

 

“Guess so,” he replied, not feeling up to an argument or a joke. He wasn’t feeling up to much of anything.

 

“Your girl back home on your mind?” Pete asked and Josh simply shrugged. He almost told Pete that it was a boy. He figured that tomorrow, he would die. The gunshots would grow loud in his ears until it was him shooting, him being shot at. He figured that tomorrow they would march in and take aim and Josh would be on this side of too slow and would catch a bullet before he could even get his finger to the trigger. He wanted to tell Pete that he was gay, he was so in love with this boy back home, that he wanted his closest friend here to know before he surely would die. 

 

He didn’t say anything. 

 

They marched the next day and Josh was right. The gunshots grew louder and louder but they never took contact. They set up small tents, scattered in the woodline, hidden from sight. They camped out overnight.

 

Days passed before they were ushered out of the false safety of their tents. They walked for a long time before the gunshots were the loudest they’d been, flying past the soldiers, far too close for comfort. Josh ran to a small hill and ducked behind it, his heart racing because this was it, this was war.

 

This was what he’d signed up for. The guns and the fight. He wished that he had listened to Tyler and stayed, wished that he hadn’t been so ready to jump into anything that sounded slightly appetizing. 

 

Josh heard screaming that got closer and closer, an angry voice that he knew wanted to do harm to him. He peaked over the hill and saw somebody running at him. They locked eyes and the man stopped, raising his gun at the same time as Josh.

 

Josh settled his gun on the hill, hands shaking as he tried to aim. He pulled the trigger and completely missed. He saw a cloud of dirt off in the distance. He heard a bullet close to his head and he might have pissed himself. Josh pulled the trigger again and watched the man freeze. There was red on the front of his clothes and a shocked expression. Josh watched as the man sunk to his knees and then fell into the ground. Josh knew that he was dead. 

 

He crawled back so the hill was hiding him again. Josh pulled his loose helmet off and set it on the ground next to him. He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes. Josh didn’t care at all if an enemy strolled by and took fire, he didn’t care because he was sobbing, hands over his face. Tyler was right, he was always right. Josh hated it. 

 

This wasn’t a fist fight. This wasn’t something that Josh would hit them or get hit and they’d both walk away pissed off and tensed. This became life or death that only ended with one person on the ground. It ended with the other carrying that weight for the rest of their life and Josh felt that weight on his shoulders already.

 

But he heard the pleas of his fellow soldiers, cries for help, too many, too much. Josh wiped his eyes and pulled his helmet back on, sprinting from cover to cover until he was crouched next to a face he recognized. They both steadied their weapons and aimed, letting the bullets fly and watching as the men they aimed at fell to the ground. Josh turned to run again and watched as a man he’d talked to before collapsed to the ground. Josh looked at the man's eyes, keeping the eye contact as he fell and died slowly. Josh saw the pain that lasted up until he had bled out. Josh should have held his hand, comforted somebody that a week ago he’d drunkenly called a friend. Josh should have done a lot of things. He kept walking instead.

 

Night fell and they were still shooting. Nobody was sure if they hit anything, not Josh and his team, not even the enemy. They shot at anything that moved and prayed that it went down. Prayed even harder that it wasn’t them that went down.

 

Morning came and the shooting stopped. Josh retreated back with his friends. They stood in their small camp and took accountability, naming the people who hadn’t made it back. But there was no time to mourn because they were packing up and moving again. 

 

Nobody cried as they walked to a new location.

 

The man in front of Josh was limping, a gun wound in his shin. He fell and Josh helped him to his feet.

 

“Need to rest,” he said and Josh automatically thought that this man was weak. He felt so guilty for thinking it.

  
“Gotta keep moving.”

 

It was always moving, moving, only pausing long enough to shoot, to kill. Then they were moving, moving. 

 

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Josh used to keep a tally of the lives he was directly responsible for ending. He ran out of space on the back of the photo of him and Tyler. 

 

They’d been pulled back from the combat area, allowing them a chance to relax though they had no idea what to do with their spare time. Josh showered again and again, scrubbing his skin until it was red and raw. He’d put back on his dirty clothes, waiting for the helicopter to come in with a new shipment of uniforms. 

 

He spent most nights not able to sleep. He’d sit cross legged on his cot, thumbing at the photo that was fading faster than he wished. He worried that it wouldn’t make it much longer. 

 

It became a nervous habit. He’d open it but he wouldn’t look down anymore. He couldn’t stomach the happy faces of him and Tyler when on the back was a tally of deaths. The thought of Tyler was beginning to make him sick. Tyler was still his comfort, that warm feeling that still made a home in his heart and reminded him that there was something good, that this was not all he was. It became a nervous habit as he opened it and folded it, again and again, the creases in the photo cutting off Tyler’s neck and Josh’s shoulder. The creases in the photo separated the two of them. A stark white line that ran in between the space between Tyler and Josh.

 

Josh put the photo back in his pocket as he went off to go take his third shower of the day.

 

He never noticed Pete’s eyes on his back, on the photo that Josh obsessed over.

 

Josh scrubbed viciously at his hands, his skin drying out and cracking, the brief moment of hot water stinging his cuts. He scrubbed at his arm and body, needing the dirt off of him. He had his hands on his body, gentle now, remembering how long it had been since he felt anything good. 

 

He thought of Tyler as a hand went to his cock. He thought of Tyler as he slowly grew hard and the pleasure was almost overwhelming. He thought of Tyler, laying in bed with a lazy smile, naked and open to Josh’s stare. He thought of Tyler and all the good memories they had.

 

But thoughts crept in.

 

Josh so badly wanted to finish, wanted that moment of too good and too much, didn’t care if the other men heard him moan, he’d heard their’s plenty. But he couldn’t.

 

He thought of the first man he killed, the way it was his bullet that ripped through clothing and skin. He thought of the other men he’d killed without a second thought. 

 

His hand on his cock felt foreign and he stopped, leaning his head against the wall of the stall and he cried. He was half hard and the water was freezing and he knew there was a line behind him of others that wanted the small moment of privacy. Josh couldn’t stop himself as he sunk to his knees, everything coming down on him at once. He was throwing up, shivering under the water. 

 

Josh cleaned himself off the rest of the way and turned the shower off.

 

He got dressed slowly, feeling the empty returning quickly. He longed for home, for relaxation. His hand went to his pocket for the photo of him and Tyler, his only comfort out in the field. The photo was gone. He searched around where his clothes had been, searched farther in case of wind. He saw no sign of it. Josh cried for the second time in ten minutes. 

 

He walked back to the tent, weaving through the cots that other people had laid down. He was almost to his when he saw a familiar piece of paper in Pete’s hands. Josh tried to read his face, tried to understand what he might have been thinking but Pete’s face was as blank as possible. Josh felt like somebody had stabbed him in the gut. He walked over to his cot, sitting down and noticing that Pete didn’t even attempt to hide the photo. He stared and didn’t even bother to look up at Josh.

 

“What is this?” He asked for the second time since they’d met. Last time Josh had yanked it away before Pete could take it.

 

“It’s just a friend,” Josh said, forcing himself to sound sarcastic, exasperated, his usual tone when it came to his friend.

 

“It’s not a friend,” Pete said, folding the photo and handing it back to Josh. He shook as he reached out to take his photo back, quickly shoving it in his pockets.

 

“Yes it is, how would you even know? You know nothing,” Josh said, anger filling his voice. Pete didn’t get angry, just sat there, waiting for the confession.

 

“Don’t know where you live but where I come from? We don’t kiss our friends,” Pete said and Josh felt the panic set in, felt the tears stinging his eyes.

 

“Beat me up, I don’t care, just please don’t tell anyone. Please,” Josh said, looking around the tent to try and find an empty space for him to move his cot to.    
  
“I’ll move somewhere else, I just need you to keep quiet,” he said, looking back to Pete. His next plea got caught in his throat when he saw Pete smile.

 

“Didn’t think you were the type,” he said softly and Josh was struggling to understand. He didn’t understand. The smile didn’t feel malicious, didn’t seem like it intended harm. 

 

“What?” Josh asked, the panic never leaving his chest. Pete leaned in, checking around him before he spoke.

 

“I was too terrified to say anything, didn’t know there was someone else here,” he said and it was him confessing, not Josh. It was the opposite of everything Josh had been imagining.

 

“What?” He asked again, his head too slow to process what was happening.

 

“His names Patrick. I got drafted so I had to leave him. Met him at an ice cream shop that I used to go to. I met him when I took this girl on a date. He teased me when I went to get the food about how I seemed bored. He took me out back and, well, you know,” Pete said, a grin on his face as he remembered the event happening. Josh felt the panic melting away slowly. He stayed quiet, unsure of what he should share, what Tyler would be okay with him sharing.

 

“What about you?” Pete asked and Josh struggled for a moment before he sighed, realizing that in the end, it wouldn’t matter what he said. He was going to die here anyway.

 

“Tyler, his name’s Tyler. He’s got a girl back home right now, fake, of course. She worked at the diner we frequented and she’s helping us, I guess. Making sure nobody knows, I don’t like it but I want him safe,” Josh said, not offering up much more. There wasn’t much more. They spent their time inside the walls of their home, a safe space for them to hold each other and talk without too much worry.

 

Pete smiled and that was that. The topic dropped and Josh didn't ask about Patrick while Pete didn't ask about Tyler. They had a mutual understanding. They knew what they had at home was different, harder to come by. They knew that they needed to get home. 

 

They marched the very next day, towards the gunfire. Josh kept looking behind him. He'd been made a leader, having been there so long. He said he was checking on people, making sure they were okay. He was looking back towards safety. He kept seeing the trees that they had camped in once, the safety and the comfort. 

 

They stopped to take a break, sitting down in the shade. Pete sat in front of Josh, both of them farther from the rest of the group. 

 

“Let's make a deal,” he said, taking a sip of his water. Josh didn't give him a response, just waited patiently. 

 

“If I die, you need to get on a train to New York and tell Patrick,” he said and his voice wavered at the end. He'd borrowed pen and paper from someone and handed Josh a ripped off piece. He assumed it was Patrick's address. 

 

“What if I die too?” He asked, looking over the messy writing. “You know they send out letters, don't you have someone at home who would tell him? Told my mom Tyler was my best friend, to let him know if something happened,” Josh explained, feeling gross over his lie. Pete shrugged. 

 

“If you die then I'm shit outta luck. And no, I didn't trust anyone. If I die then I need you to go,” he said, looking more sad than Josh had ever seen him be.  

 

“Got some more paper?” Josh asked quietly, watching as Pete reached into his pocket. He handed it over. 

 

“Thought you said he had someone,” Pete said with an eye roll. He tried to make it teasing but they both felt the pressure of war looming over them. 

 

“He does but it's my mom. He can't cry in front of her. She’ll know, she’ll say something to my dad about Tyler being gay and then the whole town will know,” Josh sighed, writing out his address. “He can't cry in front of her.”

 

“And me?”

 

“You'll let him cry on your shoulder,” Josh said, knowing that Pete will deny it now. He also knew that Pete would understand, that Pete would say it's okay, that he knew who Josh was to Tyler. He'd explain about Patrick and their deal and Tyler would cry and confess his love for Josh. He'd cry and Pete wouldn't tell the whole town. Josh knew. 

 

“No, I won't.”

 

“That's okay.”

 

They were marching again and Josh felt a little bit lighter, a little less like he was on the brink of collapsing. He felt content, knew that one way or another, Tyler would be okay. Josh realized that's all he needed.

 

They took contact again and Josh hid behind a tree. He could hear the bullets rip past him, could hear the foreign shouting. He looked and shot, hoping and praying that somebody went down. There wasn't any guilt, he couldn't feel guilt. He needed to see Tyler, this was his only way. 

 

It was the same thing, day after day. Hide and shoot, walk some more, hide again. Josh hardly slept. He kept seeing faces of men he’d never spoken to, all of them begging to know why he’d done it, why he’d killed them. Josh spent most nights crying, not even bothering to pull his photo out anymore. There was a small tear in the center now from overuse and Josh didn’t want to see Tyler’s face. He felt like a disappointment. 

 

There was one night that he couldn’t keep in his sob. He choked over it and shoved his fist into his mouth but Pete still woke up. He rubbed at his eyes and stared into the dark, finding Josh’s frame barely illuminated. He saw the shaking shoulders and it was enough to have him sitting up. He moved to Josh’s cot, daring anyone else to wake up and notice. He doubted they’d say anything. Most men had turned to each other for comfort by that point.

 

Josh’s head was in Pete’s lap, a hand stroking through his greasy hair gently.

 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, you’ll see him soon, I promise, it’s okay,” Pete whispered, fingers gentle and words gentle. Josh fell asleep like that and his stressful days kept him unconscious as Pete moved out from under him. Nobody bothered to wake Josh up until it was time to move.

 

Their unit continued to shrink in size. One man died because of sickness. He’d eaten something bad but nobody knew what. They were all paranoid. Most of their team was lost in combat. Men that had been killed with bullets that were left there, only identified after the unit had walked away. Some men were left there, still alive and hopeful but everyone knew that there wasn’t anything to be done.

 

“We radio’d a chopper,” they said and the man had nodded, a weak smile on his face. 

 

“It’ll be here soon,” they said and the man whispered thank you and then they were walking away. Nobody knew if the helicopter came, nobody knew if they’d lived long enough to feel the beat of the propellers. Josh cried as they walked and nobody pointed it out. Besides, they couldn’t say much when they had their own sniffles and wet cheeks.

 

Pete was always by his side. He was stronger than Josh, far stronger. He didn’t break down when people were near, always provided a firm hand on Josh’s shoulder when Josh was nearing his own break down. He was always there to remind Josh of the positive.

 

“You’re gonna make it out of here, I know it. You’re gonna see him again and everything will be okay again,” Pete whispered and Josh didn’t understand how anything would even resemble being okay. He couldn’t sleep, could hardly eat. He felt less than worthy after the people he’d killed.

 

“You too, you’re gonna go home to him,” Josh whispered and Pete shook his head.

 

“You’re right,” he said, nobody believed they’d make it home.

 

Josh kept strong through all of it, as strong as he could. He kept a smile on his face whenever possible and helped the new wave of soldiers. They were all young, joking and thinking things were a game. It was almost revitalizing to the camp, to have such hope and energy floating around.

 

Josh knew they’d shit themselves the first time they saw a bullet fly past.

 

He kept strong for as long as he could, kept telling Pete that he wouldn’t let it break him.

 

“It won’t break me, it won’t break me, I promise you,” he said one night when Pete had been woken up to sobs. Josh cried until he got sick, running from the tent with Pete close behind him. He threw up behind a tree, nothing but acid leaving his mouth. It hung from his mouth, saliva and stomach acid, long strings that wouldn’t leave no matter how many times he spit. That’s when he told Pete it wouldn’t break him.

 

“Think it already did,” he had said, meaning it to be teasing but they both knew that Josh was broken. He was so broken.

 

The next morning when everyone woke up, the vomit was dried and so were Josh’s tears. He pretended like last night hadn’t happened, like he wasn’t struggling to breathe every time he moved. It worked.

 

The new kids all looked up to him and asked what it was like. He ignored those questions, knowing that in a few days they’d move again and they would understand. 

 

Josh and Pete sat in the shade, watching as the kids practiced shooting and horsed around.

 

“Remember when we did that shit?” Pete asked, pointing over to where two kids were wrestling each other. Josh gave a quiet laugh, wishing he could do that again.

 

“Remember when we weren’t so tired?” He countered and Pete let out a sigh, resting his head on the tree they’d leaned against.

 

“Those were the days.”

 

They moved three days later, the kids bouncing with excitement. Josh felt resigned mostly, a little too worn out to feel anything more than the repetition of his actions. Josh watched the terror on all the kids faces as gunfire started and somebody in their unit had already dropped. Josh remembered his very first day, cowering behind the hill and crying because he’d taken a life. He remembered how free he had felt moments before that. He tried comparing it to now and it only hurt his head to think about. He took concealment behind a bush, peeking around it and shooting at whoever he could see. 

 

Josh was so focussed he almost missed the cry for help. He turned and saw that the enemy was slowly sneaking up on where Pete had ducked down. Josh shifted his aim to help but his finger paused on the trigger. 

 

He saw the look of terror on Pete’s face, such contrast compared to the easy going and impassive look he usually wore. He saw the light fade from Pete’s eyes. Josh didn’t think of anything as he dropped his gun and sprinted towards Pete. 

 

Josh grabbed Pete’s face in his hands, begging and pleading and getting no response. He chose to ignore the growing red stain on the front of Pete’s uniform. He chose to ignore the way Pete’s arms flopped as Josh moved him. Josh was sobbing, clutching Pete to his chest. He knew he was drawing attention to himself. He was noisy and he wasn’t low enough to the ground. Anyone could have shot him.

 

He wished someone would have shot him.

 

Someone from Josh’s unit picked up his gun and another person picked Josh up, holding him up with one arm as Josh turned into their shoulder. It was one of the new kids. He was younger than he should have been. He didn’t let go of Josh until they were in safety again. 

 

Josh had stopped crying, his eyes burning. He sat hunched over where the boy had dropped him. 

 

“What’s your name?” 

 

“Brendon,” the kid said with a smile. He reminded Josh too much of himself.

 

“Drafted?” It hurt Josh to see Brendon shake his head.

 

“No, I signed up. Wanted to help and get out of my mom’s house. I couldn’t find a good job and she was nagging,” he explained and Josh remembered all too well what he used to be like. He knew Brendon wasn’t old enough, knew that the Army was desperate enough to neglect checking his actual age versus what Brendon told them.

  
“I did, too,” Josh confessed, pulling at the dried grass he was sitting on. Brendon raised an eyebrow, shocked that the person sitting in front of him, broken and beaten down, was the same person who had willingly come.

 

“When did you stop liking it?” Brendon asked, too nosey for his own good. Josh gave him a sad smile and shrugged his shoulders.

 

“You’ll see.”

 

Josh got a letter. He hoped that when his name was called that it was from Tyler but it wasn’t and he almost cried. The letter he received might have been better.

 

It told him he was to take the next helicopter back to the airport, to get on the next plane and fly back to the states, to get on the next train and go home. 

 

Josh ripped up the letter and went to bed early.

 

His dreams were of Pete now. They started happy, joking, turning sour as Josh watched bullets rip into his chest again and again. 

 

The helicopter landed and they called out Josh’s name.

 

Home, home,  _ home, _ they kept saying, reminding him that home was coming, he was going home. Josh expected it to be a nightmare, that the pilot would turn around and would be the enemy, would kill him where he sat. He clutched his small bag of spare uniforms to his chest, watching out the window as the ground left and he was going home.

 

A photo and an address burned in his pocket. 

 

~~~

 

It didn’t really set in until Josh was sitting on the train. Things started to be recognizable. He passed cities he’d visited before, passed towns that he had spent quite a bit of time in, then the train was stopping and he recognized home. He knew where he was.

 

He had called his mother when he landed back in the states, told her that he was home, that he wasn’t injured. She cried and Josh didn’t understand a word of what she said. He almost asked her to bring Tyler along but he knew it would have been suspicious if he had. 

 

Josh knew that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from crying when he saw Tyler. He’d collapse into his arms and would cry. His mother wouldn’t take kindly to that. So he smiled when she hugged him, told her how easy it was, lied, lied, lied. He told her that he was safe the whole time and that the Americans were winning. 

 

“Make any friends? Are they okay?” She had asked and Josh smiled, nodding his head.

 

“Yeah, made friends with this guy Pete, he’s heading home to his family, too,” Josh said, not telling her that it was in a box, that his lover would never know until Josh got on a train and told him.

 

His mother had planned a whole night of activities. He went to dinner with his family, had a glass of wine in his parents home. She had insisted that he stay the night but Josh practically begged.

 

“It’s so late, won’t you wake your roommate?” She asked and Josh shook his head, feeling tears spring to his eyes.

 

“Mom, I want my own bed,” he tried and she let out a sigh as she nodded. 

 

She stopped outside his place and gave him an awkward hug over the center console. Josh didn’t stick around to hear what she had to say. He all but ran up the stairs of his apartment building, unlocking the door with the key that he’d stashed behind the plant when they’d first moved in.

 

The lights were off and his mother was right, it was late and Tyler was asleep but Josh didn’t care. He turned the lights on and heard Tyler shuffling in bed.

 

“Who is it?” He asked and Josh was frozen. Tyler sounded different to his ears, softer maybe, something. Josh wasn’t used to it, wasn’t used to Tyler. He stood there and waited, seeing Tyler emerge from the bedroom. His hair was longer than Josh remembered, fluffy and sticking up at odd angles from sleep. He was dressed in a shirt that Josh recognized. It had been his favorite before he left. 

 

Tyler stared back, unsure of what to make of the person standing in his doorway. Josh knew he didn’t look the same. He was tanner, his hair shaggy and a little more than stubble was along his jaw. He felt the same though, standing in his apartment and staring at Tyler, he felt the same as he used to.

 

Josh tried to keep the smile on his face but he couldn’t, he couldn’t because he wasn’t the same. The thoughts were intruding, reminding him of the faces he remembered killing and the ones he didn’t. Blank faces that begged for mercy, for a reason why he’d done it. Josh’s face screwed up before he started crying.

 

It was silent sobs that didn’t produce any tears. It left him motionless and gasping for air. He sunk to his knees and hunched forward, hearing soft footsteps and then feeling Tyler’s warm body in front of him. He pressed his face into Tyler’s hip, clutching desperately at anything he could grab as he sobbed. Tyler’s hands were in his hair, touching gently, feeling, remembering.

 

He held Josh like that until Josh went limp, having cried out all of the remaining energy he had. Tyler helped him up and guided him to their bed, whispering quietly about how much he’d missed Josh.

 

Josh slept, curled up in Tyler’s arms and continued to have nightmares. He left bed and walked out to the living room. There was a newer couch that he hadn’t remembered. Josh curled up on that, finding that it was harder than the bed, reminded him more of his cot. He fell back asleep on that, tossing and turning until Tyler was turning on lights and making coffee. 

 

He sat up on the couch and rubbed at his eyes. Tyler watched him carefully but didn’t say much. 

 

“Jenna helped me get it, the couch,” he said and Josh nodded, looking down at it. Josh wondered how much had happened between them while he was gone. He shrugged and let it slide. She’d promised to make it safe for Tyler, she was helping.

 

“We can go to that diner,” Tyler offered, sipping at his coffee. Josh noticed he didn’t use any cream or sugar, it was black. Josh used to make him coffee with obscene amounts of sugar. 

 

“Yeah, food sounds nice,” he said, mumbling something about a shower before he left the room. He didn’t look at the bed as he walked to the bathroom. 

 

This shower didn’t go cold after a minute. It allowed him to stand there and let everything roll off of him. He wanted it to roll off of him but it wouldn’t. 

 

The diner was exactly the same as he remembered it. Josh was greeted with a squeal and a suffocating hug from Jenna. The owners came out and welcomed him home, offered a free meal for the soldier. He smiled and nodded, thanked them. He just wanted to sit down with Tyler. 

 

Jenna was their waitress like always, taking their orders and walking away. She returned without food, planting herself next to Tyler. Josh watched as Tyler raised an arm and wrapped it around Jenna like it was second nature. Josh’s stomach dropped. 

 

“Just so nobody gets suspicious,” Tyler said when he noticed Josh’s stare and Josh swallowed, nodding his head. 

 

“Of course.”

 

Josh watched as Jenna and Tyler talked. He felt out of place, felt wrong. He missed the gun that he kept with him night and day, he missed the never ending noise, even missed the sound of gunfire. He thought that he was safer overseas, that being home was worse. He looked over at Tyler and he felt worse. He was supposed to be happy. He told Pete he’d be happy. 

 

Jenna left and Josh still wouldn’t look at Tyler. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Tyler asked, sensing it right away. Josh shrugged his shoulders, looking anywhere but Tyler.

 

“She bought you a couch,” he said, quiet, wishing he didn’t have to say what he was thinking. Tyler shrugged back like it didn’t matter.

 

“Yeah? She was helping me out. Don’t you remember our old one? Had holes in it and stuff,” he said and Josh felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t remember it having holes in it. He remembered that it was perfect for late night TV marathons and cuddling. He remembered curling his feet up underneath himself as he pillowed his head on Tyler’s chest. He remembered blankets and pillow fights and the stain where he’d left his coffee and Tyler didn’t know. 

 

“She  _ bought  _ you a couch,” Josh said again and Tyler seemed to realize where the conversation was going.

 

“So? Her job pays more. I was struggling to pay bills after  _ you  _ left. She was helping me out and she bought a couch, is that all?” Tyler asked, folding his arms over his chest. 

 

“Did she spend any other time in my apartment?” He asked and he looked up in time to see Tyler scoff.

 

“Your apartment? Last I checked you left for a year,” Tyler shot back and it silenced Josh for a minute.

 

“I wasn’t gone that long,” he said, feeling something in his throat, cutting off his words. Tyler let out a humorless laugh.

 

“Yes, it was that long. I counted. Thirteen months, two weeks, and four days.”

 

Josh didn’t have anything more to say. He didn’t remember it being that long. He’d have guessed six months at the most. His days all blurred together.

 

“Did she spend any other time in your apartment?” He corrected, looking at the table.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Your bed?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why your bed?” Josh asked, feeling tears sting his eyes. He turned his head towards the wall and wiped at the tears as a small whimper bubbled up. Tyler seemed so impassive about it all. He was shoulder shrugs and eye rolls, small huffs that seemed exasperated and annoyed while Josh was struggling not to sob. 

 

“Because she was helping me,” he said and Josh had to cover his face for a moment to pull himself together.

 

“Jesus, Tyler, she said a couple dates. I didn’t mean for her to sleep with you. How could you take me to that bed? Did you hold her like you held me?” He asked, desperately wishing to go back overseas. 

 

“It was one time. I was lonely, Josh. Remember who decided to leave. You signed up for that and left me. She’s been so nice to me,” Tyler said and he looked like he might have broke, too. 

 

Jenna brought their food out and noticed Josh’s tears. She left right after and Josh didn’t eat his food. 

 

Their apartment felt suffocating. 

 

Josh sat on the couch, uncomfortable on the new upholstery. He missed their old one, the one with memories. He missed the one that he’d picked out with Tyler and had struggled to take upstairs.

 

“Wanna come to bed with me?” Tyler asked and Josh shook his head.

 

“Come on, I washed the sheets,” Tyler said and Josh didn’t want to think about why. 

 

“I like the couch. Feels more like my cot,” he said and Tyler didn’t ask again. The bedroom door closed and Josh didn’t sleep. He drifted in and out of not paying attention, something somewhat defined as resting that didn’t give him nightmares. It was the best he was going to get. He opened his eyes to find Tyler sitting in front of him. He was on the floor, sitting criss cross with his forehead on the seat of the couch. He was holding onto Josh’s hand and he was crying. Josh didn’t say anything, just stared down at Tyler, trying to process what was happening. 

 

Tyler let go of his hand and curled up on the floor, sniffling until he fell back asleep. Josh rolled over so he faced the back of the couch. He cried, too, falling asleep and he didn’t have nightmares. 

 

He woke to the smell of coffee and Tyler pretending like last night hadn’t happened. Josh didn’t mind. He wanted to keep Tyler’s rare moments of whatever it was to himself. 

 

“I gathered up your uniforms and stuff that you brought home so I could wash it,” Tyler started and Josh just raised an eyebrow. His uniforms were nothing special. Josh watched as Tyler reached into his pocket and pulled up a small white square that Josh recognized immediately. 

 

It was yellow now with how dirty it was, black lines covering it. Josh watched as Tyler unfolded it and he could see the deep creases in it, knew that what Tyler could see was a photo that had been touched and looked at too many times. Josh felt sick to his stomach. Tyler’s bottom lip quivered and then he was crying. Josh didn’t get up to try and comfort him and he felt even more like he was about to throw up. He kept his mouth closed just in case it came rushing up.

 

“You kept this?” Tyler finally asked, looking down at the photo. Josh nodded, swallowing bile and nerves down.

 

“Yeah, I kept it. It faded a lot because I used to open it and close it constantly. It was kinda my comfort thing for a long time. Got scared that I would completely ruin it before I made it home,” Josh said, leaving out the part about how sure he was that he’d die overseas. Tyler let the photo fall to the counter as he hid behind his hands. Josh didn’t comfort him still. 

 

“I slept with her because I was angry,” Tyler said, hiccuping around the words. Josh averted his eyes to the couch, not wanting to hear what Tyler had to say but knowing he needed to at the same time. 

 

“I heard the stories of what happened over there and it was you, I just,” Tyler paused, shaking his head like he was disappointed in himself. Josh couldn’t even feel angry. He thought that it was just bad karma. The men he’d killed wouldn’t ever see their wives again, children. Why should he go home to his own lover and have things be okay?

 

“What stories?” 

 

“People kept saying that because the soldiers had been gone so long that they were lonely, that they fucked each other to let out stress. I didn’t want to believe it but it was you, I know you’re gay, I know you would’ve,” Tyler said and Josh felt the anger bubble over.

 

“Jesus, Tyler. I didn’t touch a single person out there. I thought of you every single day. I never once thought that I would sleep with someone there just because. Met someone out there who was gay and I still didn’t touch him,” Josh said, the anger dying at the thought of Pete. 

 

“It only happened once,” Tyler said, Josh knew he was about to explain. Josh didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to think about someone else in his bed, sleeping with his lover. He listened anyway.

 

“She helped me bring the couch up and we were tired. Told her I was going to bed and she didn’t leave, just followed me. We’re close, you were gone a long time. She used to hold me when I would cry for you. Wasn’t the first time she slept in the bed but it was the first time that I wasn’t crying. Just got into my underwear ‘cause it was hot and she did too and I didn’t think. She kept telling me that she loved me, that she noticed me the first time we went to the diner. Told me that she could fix me. She kept kissing me and touching me and I didn’t even think,” he stopped, looking to Josh like he expected him to speak. 

 

“She said I wasn’t any good, ‘s why we didn’t do it again. Told her that you usually fucked me,” he said with a small laugh, leaving it at uncomfortable silence when Josh didn’t laugh. 

 

“I moaned your name when I came. Jenna said that she understood but I think she felt hurt. I cried and I know she heard me. Don’t think I wanna be fixed,” Tyler said, taking his coffee with him to the bedroom. Josh’s eyes trailed after him, a small smile on his face when he heard the bedroom door shut. 

 

Josh slept in bed that night, nightmares keeping him up half the night. The first nightmare he woke up to Tyler petting his hair, pulling him in close and whispering words that didn’t register in Josh’s head. It reminded him so much of what Pete used to do and he curled into Tyler, sobbing until he passed out again. That time it was a dreamless sleep but it was far from restful.

 

When Josh woke, he didn’t know that he had a month left with Tyler. 

 

They had fallen back into a routine, Josh had fallen back into himself. As much as he could, he was himself. 

 

He didn’t sleep well, keeping Tyler up with him but it always lead to soft kisses and gentle touches so neither complained. Josh flinched at any loud noise. They’d gotten into an argument on Josh’s third day being back and Tyler slammed a door. Josh crumpled to the ground, trying to fight off the images of bullets and dead grass fields. He tried to fight off the images of men dying, shooting, being shot at. That ended the argument and Tyler sat on the floor with Josh, apologizing until his voice grew hoarse. 

 

It was Josh’s fourth day being back and he sat on the couch, picking through the soup that Tyler had made. 

 

“It’s different than the meals we had,” he said, remembering the food that came in cardboard boxes. It dried out his mouth and tasted heavily of salt. 

 

“I found an address with the photo,” Tyler said. Josh realized that Tyler had been keeping that information, saving it for later. He heard malice in Tyler’s voice. He knew the question coming next.

 

“Did you lie to me? Who’s is it?” So Josh spilled everything about Pete.

 

“Found the photo and I thought he was gonna kill me. Told me he had his own boyfriend in New York. We made a deal that if one of us died, the other would tell the lover,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. Tyler didn’t speak. “Patrick doesn’t have anyone who will let him know. The letter is going to Pete’s mother and she doesn’t even know Patrick as a friend. I have to go.”

 

Tyler offered to go with Josh and they left the very next day. 

 

They sat on the train, holding hands even though it might have been risky. Josh stopped caring and Tyler could hardly stand not being able to touch Josh.

 

“Thirteen months,” he’d say when Josh pointed out the risks. 

 

“Was Pete gonna come here if you died?” Tyler asked and Josh let out a sigh.

 

“Yeah, told him that you couldn’t cry in front of my mom. Told him that he needed to go so you wouldn’t be alone after you found out,” Josh said and Tyler squeezed his hand. Tyler slept the whole train ride and Josh counted the trees that passed by in the window. He missed a lot and kept getting distracted, having to start over. 

 

Patrick’s apartment wasn’t much. It was a little rundown, on the edge of the city. Josh thought that it suited Pete. He knocked on the door and came face to face with a boy with bright blonde hair and a worried expression. 

 

“Sorry, I’m busy,” the guy said. Josh assumed it was Patrick.

 

“We gotta talk,” Josh said, having trouble finding the words to say. 

 

“I said I was busy.”

 

“I know about Pete,” Josh finally got out and Patrick’s face crumbled.

 

“Oh, God, please don’t hurt me. He isn’t here, nothing happened, please,” Patrick begged, stopping only when he saw Tyler standing behind Josh, a little closer than most men would have stood. Patrick looked between them and opened the door a little wider.

 

“You knew Pete?” He asked as he let them in and Josh nodded. 

 

He told Patrick about when Pete confessed, when he talked about Patrick and how badly he wanted to go home. Then he had to talk about watching his own friend die and suddenly he had a lap full of blonde hair and tears. Tyler sat quietly on the floor, watching as Josh and Patrick cried together. He offered a gentle hand to Josh’s knee but knew it wasn’t his place to talk. 

 

Patrick offered them a place to stay until their train ride home the next day but Josh declined. 

 

He left with sad smiles and a gut wrenching fear of nightmares about Pete. 

 

They waited in the train station until morning. Tyler curled up in a ball on one of the chairs while Josh stared off into space, not even attempting sleep. He felt bad enough as is. 

 

Josh had been home for two weeks when he found out that he would only get a month with Tyler. A letter came in the mail one morning. Tyler had been up half the night trying to calm Josh down and so he slept in. Josh was used to the lack of sleep and made himself coffee while he waited for whatever they planned to not do that day. 

 

The letter was on the floor by their door, white and all too familiar. Josh opened it and read about how he was being drafted. His heart sunk as he heard soft footsteps coming closer. He hid the letter under his shirt, turning around to find Tyler rubbing sleepily at his eyes. 

 

“Anything good?” He mumbled and Josh shook his head, handing over the rest of the mail. 

 

“Just some bills ‘n stuff,” he said and Tyler nodded as he took the mail, dropping it on the counter as he went for coffee.

 

“Think I’m gonna visit my mom today,” Josh said and Tyler didn’t comment. Josh took that as his cue to leave. 

 

She was in tears when Josh told her the news. He handed over the letter once he’d gotten to his parents house and let her read it for herself 

 

“It has to be a mistake, you can’t go over twice,” she said, tears staining her cheeks. Josh only shrugged. He’d gotten over the shock and terror that first consumed him and he just felt a little resigned at the fact that in two weeks, he’d be back in the dead grass fields with his gun in his hand. He’d be sleeping on the cot that he stupidly wished for. 

 

“I’ll call someone, inform them that you enlisted yourself, that you just got back,” she said, frantic, trying to keep her son home and in one piece. Josh shook his head.

 

“Ma, I’m good at shooting. I was a leader over there. They looked up to me and I was good at it. I’m fine,” he said and Josh thought that that was what broke his mother the most. She hugged him and begged him not to accept it, that he should fight it. Josh shrugged his mother off and opted for walking back to his apartment. He left the letter with his mother. 

 

Tyler was reading when he got back home. 

 

“We should do something fun,” Josh suggested, biting at the inside of his cheek. Tyler just shook his head.

 

“Told Jenna I’d go out with her later,” Tyler said, stopping and looking up at Josh with a guilty expression. 

 

“Not like that, Josh.” Josh only shrugged.

 

“Doesn’t matter to me anymore. You’re gonna kiss her? Hold her hand? Tyler, i just got home,” he said, almost spilling the part about how he was leaving again, how he just wanted to be with Tyler as much as possible. 

 

“Her parents think we’re gonna get married soon,” Tyler whispered and Josh walked towards the bedroom. 

 

“Hope she makes you happy.” 

 

Josh tried to distance himself from Tyler, tried to not feel anything, to not hurt at the thought of someone else doing the things he wished to. He tried but he failed. Tyler came home that night with a smile on his lips and hands that touched anything and everything. He undressed Josh slowly and whispered about how much he’d missed Josh, how much he’d missed this. He was eager hands and an eager mouth, grabbing at any part of Josh he could. 

 

They curled up in bed together and Josh forgot about Jenna. 

 

It was Josh’s last night before he left again and he fucked Tyler. It was slow and Tyler didn’t understand why Josh was crying. It didn’t matter in the end because Tyler thought that it meant things were okay, that Josh understood and that Josh still loved him. Of course, Josh still loved him. 

 

Josh fucked Tyler until they both finished and then he continued to touch Tyler until he had Tyler begging him to stop.

 

“Hurts,” was all he said as he curled into Josh, grabbing at his shoulders and his arms. They could hear each other’s heartbeats in the silence.

 

Josh slipped out of bed when Tyler had fallen asleep. He changed quietly into his uniform and he hated how comforting it felt. He hadn’t realized that jeans felt a little constricting, a little foreign. The photo was still in his pocket. 

 

Josh left a note on the counter, explaining what happened and why he was gone.

 

_ ‘Maybe this time it won’t be thirteen months? I’m so sorry.’ _

 

Josh’s mother took him to the airport and waved him off, tears and hugs that suffocated Josh. 

 

He was with a different unit that treated him like a new recruit. They expected him to run around and laugh and joke but he sat quietly, too tired for the hope and the excitement. They soon realized it wasn’t his first time being over and the questions started. Josh laid down on his cot and turned his back to the questions, sleeping the days away until they started marching. 

 

The photo in his pocket no longer comforted him. He knew that if he survived this by some miracle that he’d still go home to Tyler, still be welcomed with loving arms but he wasn’t sure he liked those loving arms anymore. They’d touched another person, told them the same words and it made Josh sick. He knew why Tyler had done it, knew that it was for appearances, that it was a safety net for Tyler and by extension, Josh. He still cried. 

 

They were marching again and they looked to Josh as their unofficial leader. It was obvious none of them had seen combat the way he had and they trusted his instinct. It was what he’d told his mom he was good at and he felt a little lighter, a little less like he was a step away from a breakdown. So that’s what he did. He threw himself into the war, into planning strategy and planning movements. He made friends and he walked away when they talked about girls at home. 

 

Josh kept a tally again. He marked over his and Tyler’s faces. 

 

Mail came and Josh was shocked to hear his name. The return address was his own apartment and he knew exactly who it was from. There was only one line on it.

 

_ ‘You left me?’ _

 

Josh thought that it sounded too much like a breakup. He didn’t want it to be a breakup. 

 

He thought about writing Tyler back, explaining that he had no choice, that once he’d found out he tried to make his last two weeks the best he could. He wanted to write back and be angry, tell Tyler that he left him first for Jenna. He wanted to tell Tyler that he tried to make his last two weeks special. 

 

In the end, all that was on Josh’s paper was tear drop marks and a few shakily written ‘I love you’s. He threw the paper away and didn’t write Tyler back.

 

Months passed quickly for Josh once he’d fallen into a pattern. He barely thought about Tyler, too busy worrying for his life as he shot and was shot at. Josh thought that he didn’t want to go home. On more than one occasion he thought about standing up and screaming until someone finally shot him. He thought about dying on the battlefield, having someone tell his family that he died with honor. Would he earn a medal? Would he even be recognized for the fact that this was his second time over, that he had done so much killing already. Josh doubted they’d recognize anything. 

 

His leg had gone numb from the way he was laying so he couldn’t even stand properly. 

 

Josh continued to wake up, to shoot, to cry, to sleep. He found that he had no desire to even touch himself anymore. One person in his unit said it was a great way to pass the time.

 

“My girl back home, best blowjobs ever,” he’d said, touching himself while he was on his cot. They were the only two people in the tent. A helicopter had landed with more food and everyone else flocked to it. Josh hated the way he stared at the other man, watching as he grew hard. Josh knew he should have looked away, that if he was caught by this man or any other man that he could get himself in a lot of trouble. 

 

“It’s lonely over here,” he said and he looked to Josh as his hand slipped inside his pants. Josh didn’t know if he meant here as in overseas or his cot. The eye contact made him think cot. 

 

Josh was on his feet and walking before he had a chance to think. He was kneeling on the other man's cot, staring at him. He leaned down until their lips were inches apart, both of their eyes wide, nervous.

 

“My names Dallon,” he said quietly, like an introduction made things any better. Everyone knew Josh’s name. 

 

Josh felt a heat in his stomach that he hadn’t felt in a long time and he didn’t think as he pulled at Dallon’s trousers, didn’t think as he was leaning in and kissing Dallon. It seemed that Dallon wasn’t thinking either. 

 

They both had their cocks out, panting into each other’s mouth as they grinded against each other. Dallon kept pausing to listen to the voices outside the tent, kept worrying that someone might come in. Josh just rolled his hips down and basked in the quiet groan he got from Dallon. They both came in almost silence, neither of them moving for a long time. Josh was the one to pull away and tuck himself back into his pants, quiet, avoiding Dallon’s stare. 

 

“Felt good,” Dallon finally said, Josh realizing that he was a talker, that he’d talk about feelings or how whatever they had done was a mistake. 

 

“Just forget about it. We’ll move on and nobody has to know. I won’t tell,” he said and Dallon nodded.

 

“Or we could do it again.” Josh agreed that they could do it again. 

 

Dallon became a way to pass the time. They gave each other messy handjobs behind trees, in tents when it was empty. Josh snuck over to Dallon’s cot and woke him up with open mouthed kisses over his cock. The other men were sleeping a foot away as Josh swallowed down Dallon’s cock, not even trying to stay quiet. Dallon whispered Josh’s name as he came and Josh didn’t feel guilty. 

 

The next day Josh was sitting in the shade and Dallon sat beside him.

 

“You’re gay, aren’t you?” He asked, not ashamed to say the word out loud. He didn’t treat it like the taboo it was. Josh nodded his head.

 

“Maybe if you tell someone they’ll beat me to death,” he said and Dallon didn’t even flinch away from the words. A lot of the men talked about their own death.

 

“Wouldn’t do that.”

 

“You’re straight,” Josh pointed out and Dallon shrugged.

 

“I can’t be very straight if I’ve had my cock down another man’s throat.” Josh almost laughed.

 

“Your girl?” He asked and Dallon tensed up. Josh shouldn’t have asked. 

 

“She won’t know,” Dallon said, standing and helping Josh up. They were at a camp farther from combat. There were showers here that only stayed hot for a minute. They both slipped into the shower and Josh let himself be fucked against the wall. It hurt to have Dallon inside of him, in more ways than one. 

 

Josh didn’t remember why his heart hurt when he came and Dallon was kissing up the back of his neck. 

 

It turned out that Dallon and Josh were a good team. They ducked down behind a hill and shot together, covering each other’s flanks and making sure the other stayed safe.

 

“Just making sure you get back to your girl,” Josh had said one time as they were hiding in some taller grass. Dallon looked at him and seemed disappointed. Josh didn’t want to think about what it might have meant. 

 

Josh found that he couldn’t think about anything when he was with Dallon. He liked sucking Dallon off, could forget about the issues in his head when he struggled to breathe and his knees ached from the uneven ground. He could forget about the other man who walked in and caught them. He could forget about the way he didn’t even stop, just closed his eyes and pretended. Everyone pretended that they couldn’t hear Josh moaning in the showers. 

 

Josh missed the comfort just enough to find pleasure in the way Dallon would pet through his hair.  

 

The man who had caught them threatened to tell the others if Josh didn’t shut him up. So Josh did the only thing he knew how to do anymore besides kill. 

 

It became known that Josh didn’t sleep in the night and men would come to him. Some with tears on their faces and others threatening to spill his secret. He was tempted to tell the latter to go away, that the unit already knew but he didn’t. Instead he crawled off his cot and kneeled before whoever it was. He opened his mouth and closed his eyes and listened to the sounds that he caused. 

 

He swallowed down the come in his mouth and crawled back into his cot. 

 

Josh had filled up the front of the picture with tally marks by the time someone came in a helicopter, telling him he was going home with the next one. Dallon was on the same flight and they sat together on a cot, talking about the things they’d do when they got home. Neither of them mentioned their lovers. Josh wrote his address on a scrap piece of paper and gave it to Dallon, told him that they should get together one day, talk about old times. Dallon nodded his head before he kissed Josh.

 

They fucked on the cot and the rest of the unit didn’t walk in on them. It was their last night and there wasn’t a shower and spit was hardly enough lube. Josh was in pain as Dallon pushed inside him and he didn’t even try to keep quiet as he moaned. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him. 

 

Dallon fucked him slowly, the same way that Josh had done to Tyler the night before he left. It was a little too intimate for two lonely boys overseas. It was a little too intimate for a quick fuck to relieve stress. That was the first time that Dallon helped Josh get off. He had a hand on Josh’s cock as he fucked into him and Josh rested his cheek against the cot, letting his mind go blank.

 

He came with Dallon’s name on his lips and the realization that this was more than just a quick fuck.

 

They stood the next day out in the field, watching as a helicopter landed to pick them up. Josh turned to Dallon to make some sort of Joke but was instead pulled in for a kiss. It left Josh breathless, pulled into Dallon’s chest and squeezed like their lives depended on it. Neither wanted to let go but they did. The pilot pretended like he hadn’t seen and Josh pretended like he didn’t know Dallon. 

 

~~~

 

Josh expected something to have changed in his apartment again but it looked mostly the same. The new couch was still there and the walls hadn’t been painted. Tyler was still there, one of Josh’s shirts on and a hand holding onto Jenna’s. Josh thought he deserved it. He realized he shouldn’t have surprised Tyler. 

 

All of them stopped, standing there and staring. Josh dropped his bag by the door and nodded his head. 

 

“I’ll be at my moms,” he said softly and Tyler only nodded, not even fighting it. Josh stayed with his parents for a week before he made his way back to the new couch. 

 

It was afternoon when Tyler rolled out of bed, making himself coffee and avoiding Josh’s stare. 

 

“She says I’m better now,” Tyler said like it was a topic to talk about. 

 

“Guess I wasn’t enough,” Josh mumbled and the words stung. He knew he had no room to talk when he sat there wondering what Dallon was doing, if Dallon was in bed with his girl, kissing her, touching her the way he’d touched Josh.

 

“You left me, again,” Tyler shot back, anger filling his voice. Josh stood up and felt the anger, too. He didn’t care if neighbors heard.

 

“I didn’t have a choice this time,” he yelled and Tyler deflated.

 

“You could have told me,” he said and the sadness on his face was enough to rid the fire from Josh’s body. He walked to the kitchen and pulled Tyler into a hug only moments before Tyler broke down into sobs. He didn’t let go even when he’d stopped crying. Josh ran a soothing hand through Tyler’s hair. 

 

“I won’t leave again,” he said, knowing that they couldn’t send him again. He was tempted to wish for it. 

 

“Promise?”

 

“I promise.”

 

They sat on the couch like they used to do with their old one. They brought blankets and pillows from the bedroom and curled into each other. It was far too hot and they were both starting to feel sticky with sweat but neither pulled away. Tyler mumbled about how long it had been since someone held him and Josh mumbled about how long it’s been since he felt loved. 

 

Jenna knocked on the door sometime that day, reminding Tyler that they had a date that night. Telling him he had to get ready. Reminding everyone that Tyler didn’t belong to Josh anymore.

 

Josh squeezed his arms tighter around Tyler and Tyler sunk down into Josh’s chest, not making a sound. Jenna didn’t know about the key behind the plant.

 

They found a new diner that was well lit. They weren’t able to talk freely, weren’t able to hold hands or kick each other under the table but it was okay. Tyler promised that he wouldn’t talk to Jenna and Tyler knew nothing about Dallon. Josh had yet to receive a letter so he figured that it wouldn’t matter. They smiled at each other and walked home and Josh had nightmares.

 

Tyler woke Josh up with gentle touches and soft kisses. He woke Josh up with a hand under his shirt and a plea for something, anything. Josh wanted to give it to him, wanted to give Tyler everything. 

 

Tyler’s hand was on his cock, stroking him slowly but it did nothing other than make Josh cry.

 

Josh blamed it on the guilt of war. He blamed it on the fact that he couldn’t find pleasure when he still remembered the faces of the men he had killed. To an extent, it was true. He was guilty and he remembered the faces. He was mostly guilty about sleeping with another man, about opening his mouth for whoever came to him. He was guilty that he’d enjoyed another man besides Tyler and he was guilty that he missed that man, wished to be with him more than he wished to be with Tyler.

 

Tyler didn’t try to have sex with him for another week. 

 

That day he decided he would clean Josh’s uniforms even though Josh insisted his mother had done it.

 

“They still smell,” he said quietly, digging through the pockets to make sure nothing was in there. Josh sat on the bed in nothing but his boxers, watching impassively. He watched as Tyler pulled out the familiar piece of paper that no longer made him feel hopeful. Tyler opened it to find it in mostly the same condition as last time, save for the tally marks that covered their faces.

 

“What does it mean?” Tyler asked, showing the photo to Josh like he didn’t already know what it was.

 

“It’s people I remember killing,” he said quietly and Tyler dropped the photo like it burned him. Nobody picked it up.

 

Tyler crawled into bed that night, kissing Josh and roaming hands. There was a hand in Josh’s pants, touching him, teasing him. Tyler was begging him to get hard.

 

“Fuck me, please, fuck me, fuck me,” Tyler whispered and there were tears on his cheeks and he was shaking, he was terrified. Josh hated himself for the fact that he felt nothing as he looked at Tyler. He felt nothing even with a hand on his cock, stroking him slowly. 

 

“Josh, please, I need you to. Fuck me, fuck me,” he said, voice raising until he was yelling.

 

“The neighbors will hear,” Josh whispered, guilt eating at him as he realized he couldn’t feel anything. He thought of Dallon and he felt empty, he looked at Tyler and he felt empty. He blamed the government but knew he only brought it on himself. Tyler was chanting ‘fuck me’ into Josh’s skin like it would fix anything and he was trying desperately to get Josh to react. 

 

“Maybe tomorrow night,” Josh finally said with a sigh, growing uncomfortable with the touches. Tyler tried a little longer until Josh winced. He pulled his hand away and agreed.

 

“Yeah, maybe tomorrow,” he said. Tyler tried to cuddle with Josh but he was shot down as Josh turned to his side, his back to Tyler. 

 

Tyler snored lightly in less than peaceful sleep while Josh stared at the floor where he knew the photo still was. He got out of bed and grabbed the photo, walking out of the bedroom, out of the apartment. 

 

He found himself outside, shivering in the wind but not minding. He walked and walked, going back to his apartment for a few things. He stared at the bedroom door and sighed as he left again. Josh held the rope in his hands, staring at it and wondering how bad it would hurt. He wished he had a gun. He’d thought so often about dying while he was in the dead grass fields. Standing up and getting shot or pissing off his own unit until they killed him.

 

It hadn’t worked so well.

 

Josh walked to the edge of town, watching as lights started to turn on in buildings. He sat against a tree and looked at the photo. He could almost make out the way him and Tyler were kissing behind all the tally marks. Josh let the photo drop to the dirt as tears sprung to his eyes and he looked up at the sky, slowly brightening with each second he sat there. He thought about Dallon and the way he was gentle as he pet through Josh’s hair, the way he had Josh’s back always. Josh buried his face in his hands and cried because neither of those people could help.

 

Tyler would never be able to fix Josh and Dallon would never even attempt. He was left with nothing and he thought war was easier. Josh thought of the faces of men he’d killed as he finished what he’d come out to do.

 

~~~

 

Tyler woke to an empty bed that was colder than he’d remembered. He walked out to the kitchen to make coffee, turning on the radio as he went to help cover up the silence that made him feel like tears might start. 

 

He listened to the radio and how scratchy it was. He could hardly understand the news.

 

_ “US soldier was found on the edge of town this morning at around six-thirty. He had hung himself. Officials have yet to release any information on him other than the fact that he proudly served his country.” _

 

Tyler didn’t know how he knew, but he knew. 

  
He set his coffee cup down, going to the cupboard and pulling out the sugar. He spooned some into the mug and took a sip of it. It was sweeter than he remembered.

**Author's Note:**

> That cadence is actually one that we used to do a lot and every time I heard it I kinda had to stop for a minute and die a little inside.


End file.
